Rant rant rant...

RED-FACED ASSHOLE! Sorry I have tourettes at the moment and it felt really great to blurt that out.

I now present, for your enjoyment and my venting relief, a short play. Based on a true story. The characters: red-faced man, and me. Aaron. Here is a picture of red-faced man so you have someone to imagine:

Wow, it really looks like him down to the sour-face scowl and everything. OK. Also when you see "wull" just know it's a lazy way of pronouncing "well." Now to set the scene...

It's a busy day at a small pawn shop in Tehachapi. The economy is bad so everyone is having a hard time. The little hock shop is trying to keep up, writing loans and buying and selling things. The owner is a father of one who enjoys poetry and things that are soft and fuzzy. He's had a long day and is looking forward to going home soon. And in case you forgot...he's me.

ENTER Red-Face. See picture above.

He hands me a white jewelry box. I open it to find a pretentious little chain and round pendant with tiny little diamonds around the edge. It's something the jewelry stores would sell for around $99 on Valentines day claiming the diamonds add up to 1/4 carat but they're so small they buy them for pennies wholesale and it only costs about $25 to make. I look at the piece. I look at red-face. I can read people pretty well and I know he's going to throw a temper tantrum when I tell him it will be $10 for a loan, based on the wholesale value of a couple of grams of 10 karat gold. So I hand it back to him and say "I'm going to have to pass."

He mutters in short words like an angry cave man...like Billy Mays with a stutter.

Red-Face: "I paid $1,198 for it."

I shake my head at him.

Red-Face: "Wull...I sure did I have the receipt."

Aaron: "I'm going to have to pass."

Red-Face: *sputter* *cough* *gasp* *he pams the jewelry box and fumes* "Well you know I think that's just insulting and it's RUDE!"

Aaron: "Rude? How are numbers rude?"

Red-Face: "Wull how about doin' a favor for a good customer who comes in here all the time?"

(Red-Face has been in once or twice, always with his buddy...always with junk I don't really want and ALWAYS with a sour face and a bad attitude. Plus they stink)

Aaron: "I'm not here to do favors, I'm here to make money and that's all it's based on. It's based on the item you have and how much it's worth."

Red-Face: "OHHH it's all about the money huh? It's all about the money for you HUH?"

Aaron: *in disbelief at this guy* "Uh, yeah. I'm here to make a living."

Red-Face: "WULL! That's just GREAT I feel SORRY for you." *he stops at the door* "I'm going to pray for you." *he gives a haughty look and tilts his head to the side* "Or maybe I won't!"

Aaron: *out of earshot* "See ya, dickhead."

I update my Facebook status something along the lines of "You know red-face you aren't a good customer you're a DILDO and you're houghing out doesn't come as any real surprise..."

Basically, 50% of the stuff people bring in is worthless crap...literally stuff that should be sold for $1 at a garage sale or thrown away...but they react like a Steve Martin character (Well EXCCCCUUUUUUUUUSSSEEEE MMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!) when I send them on their way. And it's also hilarious/irritating when they get so indignant and I SWEAR I try so hard to be polite and respectful...

So Red-Face nutsack gerbil jerk...excuse me...that's not called for... He comes back in today and has an old tube CRT TV. In case you don't know those are like the old TV's we all had in ancient times of pre-2005. Now they barely sell them and I've learned from experience that it will take me about 6 months to give them away.

No thanks.

Paint sprayer? Again. I'm taking a lot of hassle free pawns...easy stuff like gold and guitars and nice tools...and a paint sprayer is a dirty mess that I don't have any way to test and they're showing up everywhere with painters out of work. Naw, I tell him.

I'm waiting for him to ask about something else so I can say "Look I'm not in a hurry to do you any favors, so come back in few weeks and maybe I'll have forgotten about you."

That happens a lot. Some jerk is...well a jerk...I tell myself I'm done doing business with them. They come back a few months later and I figure maybe they went to rehab and are a decent person again.

Anyway. This has been nice and therapudic. Hope you enjoyed it.

I'm still giggling about how much that picture looks like this dude.

Dear Lord, please absolve me of my prickishness. I am a good person. I treat most of my customers well. I need not feel guilty for telling one red faced poop that he can stick it... Amen.